CATASTROPHEor Modern Technology in Hyrule
by Rinaidran Warrior
Summary: AHAHAHAHAH! COMPLETELY INSANE! Check out the Zelda character's email inboxes, from ads to love notes!


Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN..................................................................................................................................................................ANYTHING!

This time we're looking at...Link's inbox! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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Hello, green_hat_hero@hyrulechat.net! You have 18 new messages!

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Message 1: 

From: cute_lil_redhead_ranchgirl@lonlonranch.com

Subject: Epona

hey link. how are you? I haven't talked to you in a while. could you bring epona over for a while? I miss her and you. 

Thanks

Malon

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Reply:

sure malon! i'd love to visit you. epona's been bored and she needs exercise. i miss you too.

Link

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Message 2:

From: beautiful_fish_princess@zoradomain.com

Subject: Date?

link, do you want to date me? seriously. i really like you. consider it, i'm pretty sexy. ;)

the beautiful, lovely, nice, cute, lovable Ruto

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Reply:

forget it. you're a fish, and you're not sexy. plus you scare me.

Link

**green_hat_hero@hyrulechat.net has blocked beautiful_fish_princess@zoradomain.com**

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Message 3:

From: rockeatingsage@goroncity.net

Subject: help

Hey, Brother! we need help. My son Link, you know him? well, he ate too many rocks and needs some medicine from the lost woods. could you bring it for us?

Darunia

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Reply: 

sure Darunia! as long as you promise not to give me a "goron hug"...

Link

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Message 4:

From: lovely_blonde_hylian_princess@hyrulecastle.com

Subject: malon

LINK! YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE DATING MALON! OMG, YOU IDIOT! I WILL KILL YOU, I SWEAR! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? AND WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CHOOSE MALON OVER ME? I'M SO MUCH COOLER! AND I'M THE PRINCESS! AND YOU CHOSE A...RANCH GIRL?!

PRINCESS Zelda :(

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Reply:

calm down, Zel. me and Malon aren't dating. but i can like whoever i want, and i like Malon. please don't be mad. don't worry, you'll find somebody else.

Link

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Message 5:

From: gdorf_dude@villains.net

Subject: haha sucker

Yo sucker, guess what? i have a new friend. his name is majora. we're ganging up with aganhim and we're gonna blow up hyrule. and there's nothing you can do! see ya, retard!

Ganon

**downloading attachment from gdorf_dude@villains.net...**

**THEEVILVIRUS has been downloaded onto green_hat_hero@hyrulechat.net 's computer**

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Reply:

what the hell, ganondork? who cares? you can't even bust out of the sacred realm with the triforce of power, nerd. and what's with the virus you gave me? you're such a freak.

Link

**green_hat_hero@hyrulechat.net, THEEVILVIRUS sent by gdorf_dude@villains.net has caused the following message to be sent to all e-mail contacts:

(From: green_hat_hero@hyrulechat.net

Subject: Ganondorf

GANONDORF RULES! I WORSHIP HIM UTTERLY! I WILL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS HIM! GO GANONDORF! GANONDORF IS THE BEST!

Link)**

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Compose Message:

From: green_hat_hero@hyrulechat.net

Subject: NOT TRUE

hey guys, the email i just sent IS NOT TRUE. ganondork downloaded a virus onto my computer that made it send that email. sorry about that.

Link

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Back to Inbox:

Message 6:

From: rauru_sage_of_light@sacredrealm.net

Subject: food

Link, this morning I looked in the fridge and couldn't find any mushrooms. Do you have any? If you do, hurry and bring them to me...I'm starving...

Rauru

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Reply:

sorry rauru. the only mushrooms I have are poisonous, from the lost woods.

Link

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Message 7:

From: totally_hip_desert_sage@gerudofortress.com

Subject: boyfriend

link, do u have any buddies that want a girl? cuz its time 4 us gerudos to get boyfriends. yah, and i no that ur not free, u like malon. but that friend of urs, u no, the dude that runs the potion shop? hes pretty cute. plez tell him i want a guy, k?

thanx

Nabooru

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Reply:

sure Nabooru. he's actually been looking for a girlfriend, and he likes redheads like you. it was hard keeping him away from Malon. oh, and his name's Derek. 

Link

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Message 8:

From: greenhairedkokirikid@kokiriforest.net 

Subject: Meeting

Hello, Link. I need your help. Mido's being such a retard. He keeps asking me on dates, and I don't want to hurt his feelings (if he has any). Please help! Meet me at the Sacred Meadow. Is Tuesday okay?

Saria

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Reply:

i'd be happy to help, Saria. but i'm visiting Malon on tuesday. how about wednesday?

Link

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Message 9:

From: bob@sccs.com

Subject: Warning

Hello, Mr. Link. I represent the Stopping Cucco Cruelty Society, and this message is a warning. Mr. Talon of Lon Lon Ranch, Ms. Cucco Lady of Kakariko Village, and Mr. Bean-Selling Man of Zora River have reported you for being unusually cruel to Cuccos in their possession. Your Cucco Cruelty Records, which we keep for well-known Cucco abusers, consist of assaulting Cuccos with the following weapons:

Bow and Arrow

Magical Spells

Swords

Bombs

Slingshots

Large Hammers

Sticks

Various Thrown Objects

As well, you have been known to pick Cuccos up and use them as flying devices. This is an inappropriate use for Cuccos. They are living creatures too. Also, when you have finished using Cuccos as flying devices, you have previously discarded them in the water, according to Mr. Bean-Selling Man.

Plus, according to Ms. Cucco Lady, you have roughly handled Cuccos in her possession. She has allergies, so she asked you for help in bringing her Cuccos back to their pens. You grabbed them and ran with them, startling them. Some of them could not calm down until several hours after you had shocked them. And when a Cucco was trapped in a crate, you rolled into the crate, severely injuring the Cucco.

If this behavior continues, you will be fined for 50 rupees. Until then, we will send you a guide on Care for Cuccos, a book created by dedicated members of our society.

Sincerely,

Bob

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Reply:

bugger off. i can do whatever i want to those nasty little chickens. and it's not like i get them mad on purpose. have you seen the scars those things gave me? i swear, those cuccos are organized...legions of them...flying after me...organized, i tell you...they have armies...all after me...out to kill me...

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Message 10:

From: joe@hyrulementalasylum.com

Subject: Are you really okay?

Link, we have heard from your friend Bob from the Stopping Cucco Cruelty Society that you might not be feeling well...in your head. Remember, if you are possibly experiencing mental difficulties, it's okay to tell someone. They won't laugh at you, don't worry. There is nothing to be ashamed of; you were just born that way.

According to your concerned friend, you have been having urges to take your anger out on animals. It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to be mean to chickens. We are having a therapy special right now, and it will help you get better.

Most of our patients think that they are okay, until their mental illnesses get too bad to handle. So come to us before it's too late. Or call 1800-I-THINK-IM-CRAZY for advice.

Also your good friend Bob told us that you think that chickens are organized into armies. If you find yourself thinking things like that, you might need help.

And remember: just because you may be different from other people, it doesn't mean you're bad. Admitting your mental difficulties is the first step towards recovery.

Your Concerned Friend,

Joe

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Reply:

I'M NOT MENTAL, YOU FOOL! THE CHICKENS REALLY ARE ORGANIZED! THEY'VE FORMED ARMIES! SQUADRONS! TROOPS! ALL AGAINST ME! I'M NOT UNWELL! I'M NOT CRAZY, THE CHICKENS ARE! the chickens are out to get me...help me...the chickens are coming...help...

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Message 11:

From: lovely_blonde_hylian_princess@hyrulecastle.com

Subject: sorry...

Link, I heard about the whole mental illness thing. I want you to know that I'm your friend and I'm here to help you, ok? I won't laugh at you if you admit it.

Zelda

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Reply:

AAAAAAARGH! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?! IM NOT MENTAL! I AM NOT MENTAL! I SWEAR! DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME TO THE ASYLUM! I DON'T BELONG THERE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

LINK

**System Failure...green_hat_hero@hyrulechat.net's computer is experiencing major internet failure due to extensive damage to the keyboard**

**the following message has been sent to all of green_hat_hero@hyrulechat.net's e-mail contacts:

(From: joe@hyrulementalasylum.com

Subject: Your friend is really sick

Dear Friends, your friend Link is very sick in the head. After destroying his computer keyboard, Your Friend was found crying on the floor. He could be heard talking about 'chickens' and 'my reputation' and 'don't let them take me'. We took him to our wing in the Asylum for Very Sick Patients, and he is there right now. You can visit him if you want, but he may not be the Friend you all know.

At the Asylum we give wonderful care. Nice, light rooms, pretty decoration, and good food. Are you all okay? Your Friend didn't know until now. If you are experiencing problems, please tell us.

Right now, you can get into the Asylum for only 100,00,00 rupees! And you can get therapy for only 100,00 rupees! Amazing prices and great care...what more could you ask for? Join the Asylum today!

Oh yes, and we are very sorry about your friend. But the Asylum is a wonderful place to be! Remember, only 100,00,00 rupees!

Joe 

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